Its the simple stuff.

                                                              Its the simple stuff.

        Hello, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Deena, I go by Dee for short. I am writing this blog to express things on my mind, feelings of the heart and of spirit. I am not the best of writers. I often get ahead of myself. I have also been known to go on tangents. So please bare with me.
     My goal is to start off with basics about me. To give you a basis so you know where I am coming from.
        I am a Mormon from a small town in Oklahoma. I have 3 older brothers and 1 older sister. My Father was born with cerebral palsy. My mother has mental health issues. They divorced when I was about 2 years old.
     From that time I was moved in and out of foster homes until I was almost 9 years old. I was always an emotional child. No one really understood it. But my Father always listened and loved me despite my emotions. He fought for us until we were safely in his home. I am so grateful for the people who cared for my sister and I enough to take us in and Love us. Especially Alice.

      I was baptized into the LDS Church at the age of 9. Even when I was 5 I knew with out a shadow of a doubt the LDS church is true. I refused to drink sweet tea. You can ask any of my childhood friends. I never wanted to drink it. I would taste it on accident and kindly decline.

      Now that I am older I see more and more of who I used to be fade away. Much of it is a good thing. But then others I wonder if I can ever get it back.
     Today I realized that I can.
         I have been so unhappy with myself. I am less active in the LDS church. Even though I served an LDS Mission, Married in the LDS temple and live in the State of Utah.
         Why?
Oh and I should mention I have 2 Tattoos. I am in Debt. And am greatly over weight.
(So many tangents on that, but it's for another time.)
         I have been going through a cycle in my life. Every fall I get so Depressed. It lasts until mid March or early April. (I promise this relates to my previous question)
In October around 10 years ago I started dating online, meeting guys and when I was 15 I started dating my First real bf. That relationship has defined me for way to long. But NO MORE!
During these cycles I get so depressed and feel so sorry for myself I make big mistakes. And when Spring rolls around I get confident to fix things and be happy in life.
      Well I have noticed when I came home early from my LDS Mission I held on to a pain only I was putting onto myself. An expectation no one else had of me. I did the best I could going back to church and was active enough to eventually get married in the LDS Temple.
      But part of me feels lost. Afraid I won't amount up to being who I have potential to be. Even though I know much better. Something was instilled in me when I came home. And the sad and unfortunate choices I made shortly after returning have haunted me.
     I no longer read my scriptures. I go to church every 3 months. And suck at paying Tithing. (Even though I know better.)
    I have been wondering what it is in me that is changing that I don't like. And how can I get a piece of me (Pre-Mission) back.
    Well tonight at work we had to turn a customer down to cash a check. I offered some things to help her get it into her bank account tonight via the App. When I realized she needed to Buy Diapers and had no means, I spent 5 dollars on it and sent her home with them. She seemed so grateful. My $4.50 sacrifice seemed so simple. It filled my heart with such joy I couldn't but feel a part of that person. The girl I was before I held on to all of the pain returned. I felt God's Love for her and Gratitude to for me. Such a simple act. Because I have been given much, I too must give. And I am filled with more joy than I have felt in these last few hard weeks as the depression tries to lay claim on my heart and mind.
                Please never give up. It is never to late. I have made plans to do things better in the days and weeks to come.                        
                                                       With Love, Dee